Humor Qoutes

1. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush
2. If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself. -Leon Eldred
3. Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. -Langston Hughes
4. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamposts: for support rather than illumination. -Andrew Lang
5. If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching. -Lord Chesterfield
6. I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. -Anne Wilson Schaef
7. Humor is that which most efficiently recognizes that we are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect arguments and things that are insane, illogical, and irrational. And the only way we can live with that fact is to laugh. -J. Barsoux
8. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. -Francis Bacon
9. Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. -Billy Sunday
10. If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. -Anon
11. It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. -Ladies Home Journal
12. When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks. -Rita Rudner
13. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. -Mary Kay Ash
14. Only a fool expects to be happy all the time. -Robertson Davies
15. I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. -Edith Sitwell
16. Make crime pay, become a lawyer. -Will Rogers
17. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton
18. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -Al Capone
19. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. -Henry Ward Beecher
20. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. -Woody Allen
21. In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce
22. Seven days without laughter make one weak. - Joel Goodman
23. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Samuel Goldwyn
24. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Emo Philips
25. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. -Woody Allen
26. Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. -James Thurber
27. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. -E. B. White
28. A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. -Mignon McLaughlin
29. A person without a sese of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. -Henry Ward Beecher
30. You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. -Bill Cosby
31. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
    - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
32. As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. - Socrates
33. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
    - Oscar Wilde
34. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West
35. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
36. We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like? - Jean Cocturan
37. Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the
    priviledge
38. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
40. Mom says too much candy will spoil my dinner. Well, dinner’s spoiled so where’s dessert?
41. BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
42. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. -Mae West
43. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
44. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
45. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
46. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it..!!
47. Children really lighten up a household. They never let the lights turn off. - Ralph Bus
48. Committee- A group of men, who keep minutes and waste hours. - M. Berle
49. Everyday I wake up, I go through the Forbes magazine of worlds richest people, if I'm not there I go to work. - Robert Orben
50. The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philosophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money.
51. If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.
52. Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
53. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen.
54. Conway's Law - In an organisation there is always one person who knows whats going on. This person must be fired.
55. What is a ‘free’ gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
56. The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.
57. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
58. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than let him keep her and suffer.
59. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
60. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
61. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
62. Always give 3 weeks notice when you quit. It gives you extra time to screw around.
63. If you need space, join NASA.

Naughty Quotes

1. Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. -William Shakespeare
2. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. -Joan Rivers
3. My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. -Emo Philips
4. To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. -Cary Grant
5. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard
6. Graze on my lips, and if those hills are dry, Stray lower where the pleasant fountains lie. -William Shakespeare
7. A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part. -Redd Foxx
8. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -Albert Einstein
9. I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.-Mariella Frostrup
10. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. -Ronald Knox
11. Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb. -Yul Brynner
12. It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time. -Tallulah Bankhead
13. I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. -Garry Shandling
14. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. -Chauncey Mitchell Depew
15. It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. -Alexandre Dumas
16. The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. -Margaret Smith
17. Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.
18. Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. -Bob Rubin
19. We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. -Arthur Hoppe
20. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. -Brendan Francis
21. Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.
22. Sex is like nose picking. It's fine as long as you practice it yourself, but it's disgusting watching someone else doing it. -Roald Dahl
23. There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -Woody Allen
24. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship. -Sharon Stone
25. When lights are out, all women are beautiful.
26. Sex is one of the nine reasons of reincarnation, remaining eight are unimportant. -Henry Miller.
27. Sex appeal is 50% what you got and rest 50% is what people think you got. -Sophia Loren
28. Any piece of clothing can be sexy provided it is a very passionate woman inside it.
29. Women need a reason to have sex, men just need place.
30. I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns

Comments generating...

name - Is a....... (complete the sentence).

name - Do not interrupt me when i'm talking to myself..!!

name - Hey, I found that you are too dumb to use your cell phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it.

name - just reached climax... (Press Enter 5 times and leave dot on each line) ... climax of boredom .., look what your dirty mind was thinking.., stop it :P :D lolzz...

Naughty

name - Annie Annie with electric fanny. Jock Jock with electric cock, then Jock focked Annie in her electric fanny with his electric cock and they both got electric shock... :D

name - A guy sticks his erection into a gals depression to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation or should I show a demonstration .. ?

name - a malteaser.. dark on outside and always a blonde on inside.. :P

name - Men are like microwave and women are like oven, men need to heat women up where as women only need to press a button... :P

name - Why were hurricanes named after women ? Cause when they cum its wet and wild and when they go they take your house and car with them...!!

name - Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

name - Whats the difference between a woman and a condom ? If they aint on your cock, the are in your wallet...!!

name - Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. (Woody Allen)

name - Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t..!!

name - Coffee ? Tea ? or Me ? :P

name - All you virgins. Thanks for nothing..!!

Humor / Humorous

name - wondering if woodpeckers get headache..??? :D

name - is going to stick a coat hanger in his mouth all night and hopefull it may help me smile in the morning... :D

name - covered arse with tacl and watching the farts intensity in the moirror... : P

name- says, a tramp just walked upto me and said that he hadn't eaten anything in days, I wish i had same willpower.. :D

name - ( : lol, ih yas 2 detnaw tsuj i taht tuo dnif u nehw gnitatirri yrev ti dnif yam u..!! Confused..??? Now read it backwards.. : )

name - There was a time in 60's when people took acid to make world weird, but now the world is weird and people take PROZAC to make it normal... :D

name - aliens are coming to get all the pretty people, but dontcha worry, you are safe, i just wanna say goodbye.. :P

name - is thinking of a name change, suggestions below:-

name - is sorry to tell you that mirrors can't lie, but is good for you that they can't laugh either.. :P

name - how to laugh at your problems ? - imagine sumone stuck in same... :P

name - finally started feeling himself today, its a shame he was still outside the club at the time.... :P

name - you laugh at me coz i'm different, i laugh at you coz you are a wanker..!!

name - is on facebook instead of doing hw...!!

name - please excuse any sMelling Pistakes... lol..!!

name - laughed so hard till, bit of wee came ouy.. :P

name - just wanna tell that, drunk words are sober thoughts.. :D

name - i aint weird, im gifted.. ; )

name - has horns to hold his halo up.. lol..

name - she not only kept her lovely figure, but added much more to it.. :P

name - Says. A good friend helps you when you fall down, but a true friend pisses him laughing and then apologizes..!! :D

name - Wants to take over Turkey and name it Chicken.. lol

name - a malteaser.. dark on outside and always a blonde on inside.. :P

name - They say laughing 100 times is equal as working out for 10 minutes, I'm scared if i get going, I'll laugh myself into anorexia..!!

name - other day i bought a packet of peanuts, and the packet said " May Contain Nuts " well obviously, dats why i bought the bluddy thing for you morons..!!

name - I wish sumone would comment on mah status, so that it looks like i have friends and the ones in my friendlist aren't sleeping nor imaginary..!!

name - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said Yes, 11% said no and 72% said " I not understand sir..!! " ...lol

name - Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand

name - Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the

priviledge

name - Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

name - He who laughs last thinks slowest.

name - Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases interest of a women in you.

name - I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

name - Is somebody not commenting on what I’m saying here???

name - Hurry..!! Police is after a suspect that is smart, witty, handsome and sexy. Please hide me somewhere..!! :)

name - This is your cellphone operator. I found out that you are too dumb to use it, so please put it on ground and jump on it. Thank you.

name - There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

name - A man has hundred dollars and a woman leaves him with two, that's subtraction.

Pissed

name - is ill and feels like shit warmed up in microwave then blended and poured into a frying pan!!

Ironic

Happy

Beer

name - finally started feeling himself today, its a shame he was still outside the pub at the time.....:P

name - Say this fast " Alpha Kenny Body " and then laugh.. :P

name - just wanna tell that, drunk words are sober thoughts.. :D

name - they say money can't buy happiness, i say it can buy beer which is happiness for me..!! :D

name - read somewhere that drinking is bad for health, it scared hell out of me...so thats it.. no more.. no more reading..!!!

name - " heard ppl say money makes world go round" i say if u aint got big money then u got an option, even beer wud make world go round ;) ...

Cute

name - I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.

name - Never start frowning, you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

name -

Lyrics from Songs

Birthday

Dirty

name - what do you call an anorexic prostitute with a yeast infection ? Quarter pounder with cheese.. :D

name - is wondering WTF about a lot right now..!!

name - Woman comes home from work and finds all her sex toys nailed to the wall, she shouts to her husband " You thought I wanted a Dado rail.. ? "

name - " Well aren't we all a ray of the fucking sunshine.. ??

name - my generation believes not only in universal brotherhood but in universal fcukhood aswell..:D

name - Little fly on the wall, aint you got no sense at all ?, if i squash you with my thumb, your guts come out of your bum..!!

name - other day i bought a packet of peanuts, and the packet said " May Contain Nuts " well Fcuking yeah i know.., dats why i bought the bluddy thing for you shitheads..!!

name - Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. (Woody Allen)

name - Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t..!!

name - My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects....!! : )

name - All you virgins. Thanks for nothing..!!

name - Gal- The more men i meet, the more i like my dog coz my dog got longest tongue of all :D

name - I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

name - Gals are like phones, they like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'd get disconnected.

Computer

Jokes

name - a malteaser.. dark on outside and always a blonde on inside.. :P

name - Why were hurricanes named after women ? Cause when they cum its wet and wild and when they go they take your house and car with them...!!

name - Whats the difference between a woman and a condom ? If they aint on your cock, the are in your wallet...!!

Lazy

Weird

name - realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

name - Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously...!!

name - If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. - Dick Cavett

Tired

Chirstmas

Flirty

Money

Sleepy

Romantic

In Love

name - With you it is like I have taken love heroin and now I always need you with me so that I can always stay high.

name - You are the reason why I came alone in this world.

Quotes

Dost thou love life Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of. -Benjamin Franklin

You only live once but if you work it right, once is enough. -Joe E Lewis

If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke. -Hugh Elliott

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel. -Franklin P Adams

Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army. -Edward Everett

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. -Lord Acton

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few. -Stendhal Wise

Nonsense and noise will oft prevail, when honour and affection fail. -William Lloyd

I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them. -Pablo Picasso

History has proven, God has never given anyone a dream Without also including the power to achieve that dream It is up to us to claim the power and go after that dream, Or just claim , it was only a dream.

Nothing surely is so disgraceful to society and to individuals as unmeaning wastefulness. -Benjamin Thompson Rumford

This world is the great gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong. -Swami Vivekananda

So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do. -Benjamin Franklin

As long as we separate this ‘oneness’ into two, we won’t achieve realization. -Bruce Lee

We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It’s a messy business, life. It’s hard to figure–full of surprises. Some good. Some bad. -Henry Bromel

It’s not a field, I think, for people who need to have success every day if you can’t live with a nightly sort of disaster, you should get out. I wouldn’t describe myself as lacking in confidence, but I would just say that the ghosts you chase you never catch. -John Malkovich

He that fears your presence will hate you absence. -Thomas Fuller

Of all afflictions, the worst is self-contempt. -Berthold Auerbach

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. -Rodney Dangerfield

People fail forward to success. -Mary Kay Ash

Questions

Sex

lol :P

• name - Why were hurricanes named after women ? Cause when they cum its wet and wild and when they go they take your house and car with them...!! lol..
• 
  
• name - “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” -Mark Twain
• 
  
• name - Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, with the same person though...!!
• 
  
• name - What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
• 
  
• name - You can’t put a price tag on love, but you cant on all its accessories.... :P
• 
  
• name - Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries... !!
• 
  
• name - I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. -Dudley Moore
• 
  
• name - Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. -Fulton J. Sheen
• 
  
• name - When a man steals your wife. There is no better revenge than let him keep her and suffer...lol.. : P
• name - Just reached climax... (press enter 5 times, leave dot on each line left) ... climax of boredom, what did you think ? u dirty mind... lolz... :P :D

Addictions

name - Whats the best thing for a hangover ? Lotsa drinks a night before..!! : )

name - is on count down to wine time - I recon in about another 10 minutes..!!

name - if ur heart is broken, i'll console you. if ur lost in life, i'll find you the way. wen ur happy, do tell me, we'll celebrate it vodka style..!!

name - they say money can't buy happiness, i say it can buy beer which is happiness for me..!! :D

name - just wanna tell that, drunk words are sober thoughts.. :D

High / too Happy / Drunk

name - just wanna tell that, drunk words are sober thoughts.. :D

name - says that wenever you see a glass half empty, consider refilling it instantly...!!

name - they say money can't buy happiness, i say it can buy beer which is happiness for me..!! :D

name - finally started feeling himself today, its a shame he was still outside the pub at the time.....:P

name - just add alcohol and i d shut up..!!!

Inspirational

name - says " If you ain't laughing, you ain't living.. "

name - thinks that laughter comes with true love. If you can't laugh with sumone, how do you love them?

name - Nothing lasts forever so live it up and take chances, regret nothing because at one point all you did was what you wanted..!!

name - Laugh your heart out, Dance in the rain, ignore the pain, cherish the moment, Live Laugh Love, forgive, fore go and forget, life is too short to live with regrets..!!

name - Never regret something that made you once smile.

name - Never give up on what you can't stop thinking about. the power of thought is stronger than you think.

name - You only live once but if you work it right, once is enough. - Joe E Lewis

name - If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke. - Hugh Elliott

name - Better light a candle than curse the darkness.

name - Even a Stopped clock is right twice a day.

name - A pint of sweat saves gallons of blood. - George S Patton

name - Sometimes the system goes on the blink

And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

name - Don’t let us think our little jobs are hardly ever seen. Remember every blade of grass helps make the meadow green.

name - Instead of thinking where you are, think about where you want to be. It isn't an over night success.

name - Success isn't result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. -Arnold H Glasow.

name - Success is dependent upon the glands, sweat glands.

name -

Hurt

Friendship

Funny

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

Attitude

name - Thanx for making me laugh..!! You are so funny..!! Yes You...!! I could laugh whole day at you..!!

Angry

Adult