Humor Qoutes

1. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush
2. If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself. -Leon Eldred
3. Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. -Langston Hughes
4. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamposts: for support rather than illumination. -Andrew Lang
5. If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching. -Lord Chesterfield
6. I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. -Anne Wilson Schaef
7. Humor is that which most efficiently recognizes that we are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect arguments and things that are insane, illogical, and irrational. And the only way we can live with that fact is to laugh. -J. Barsoux
8. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. -Francis Bacon
9. Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. -Billy Sunday
10. If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. -Anon
11. It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. -Ladies Home Journal
12. When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks. -Rita Rudner
13. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. -Mary Kay Ash
14. Only a fool expects to be happy all the time. -Robertson Davies
15. I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. -Edith Sitwell
16. Make crime pay, become a lawyer. -Will Rogers
17. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton
18. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -Al Capone
19. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. -Henry Ward Beecher
20. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. -Woody Allen
21. In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce
22. Seven days without laughter make one weak. - Joel Goodman
23. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Samuel Goldwyn
24. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Emo Philips
25. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. -Woody Allen
26. Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. -James Thurber
27. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. -E. B. White
28. A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. -Mignon McLaughlin
29. A person without a sese of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. -Henry Ward Beecher
30. You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. -Bill Cosby
31. If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
    - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
32. As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. - Socrates
33. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
    - Oscar Wilde
34. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West
35. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
36. We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like? - Jean Cocturan
37. Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the
    priviledge
38. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
40. Mom says too much candy will spoil my dinner. Well, dinner’s spoiled so where’s dessert?
41. BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
42. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. -Mae West
43. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
44. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
45. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
46. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it..!!
47. Children really lighten up a household. They never let the lights turn off. - Ralph Bus
48. Committee- A group of men, who keep minutes and waste hours. - M. Berle
49. Everyday I wake up, I go through the Forbes magazine of worlds richest people, if I'm not there I go to work. - Robert Orben
50. The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philosophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money.
51. If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.
52. Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
53. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen.
54. Conway's Law - In an organisation there is always one person who knows whats going on. This person must be fired.
55. What is a ‘free’ gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
56. The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.
57. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
58. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than let him keep her and suffer.
59. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
60. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
61. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
62. Always give 3 weeks notice when you quit. It gives you extra time to screw around.
63. If you need space, join NASA.